Anger Management

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Weeks have passed now. I am still unable to let go. I'm still pining for him. Where is the promise that time is a great healer. I’m feeling worse by the day.

In my haste to get over him, I had decided that I was not going to hate him. Hate can be an all-consuming emotion and I wanted to avoid it; I didn’t want him to be the centre of my attention anymore.

So I avoided getting angry to avoid hating him. I only allowed myself to think of the positive stuff about him and what we had done together. I wanted to keep only the best memory of this fine man. I wanted to continue to love him for all that is good about him although we are no longer together. My plan was simply to accept that it is over and get on with my life. I wanted us to remain friends.

Over the years, I had become very good at suppressing my anger. I have been frequently described as a calm and coolheaded person. I have surprised many with my outward reaction, or some might say, non-reaction, to highly charged situations. I don't like being angry so I tend to walk away from confrontation which could potentially anger me. I would then come back after I have put my thoughts together.

In a previous relationship, it took 3 years of emotional and verbal abuse (including physical threats) before I finally packed up and left. As far as I can remember, throughout those trying times, I uttered only one unrepeatable word to him. It was 2 years into that fiasco before I smashed the first and only dish!

This time around, less was at stake. The decision was instant. To get over him, I thought I'd use the same formula, only to the extreme. I denied myself anger altogether. What I didn’t realise was that by avoiding being angry, the break-up appeared to be my fault. This, I now read, is a sure fire way of sinking into depression. I definitely cannot afford that!!

I need a new strategy. I need to get angry enough that it becomes a turning point. I need to have a reason to be sufficiently raged to want him to feel the hurt he inflicted me.
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