Phantom Limb

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Wikipedia: “The individual may experience psychological trauma as well as emotional discomfort. A large proportion of amputees (50-80%) experience the phenomenon of phantom limbs;[12] they feel body parts that are no longer there. These limbs can itch, ache, burn, feel tense, dry or wet, locked in or trapped or they can feel as if they are moving. Some scientists believe it has to do with a kind of neural map that the brain has of the body, which sends information to the rest of the brain about limbs regardless of their existence. Phantom sensations and phantom pain may also occur after the removal of body parts other than the limbs, e.g. after amputation of the breast, extraction of a tooth (phantom tooth pain) or removal of an eye (phantom eye syndrome).”

Alhamdulillaah, I still have all my body parts, the four limbs, twenty digits, teeth, eyes, all serving their intended functions. I can’t possibly feel Phantom Limbs. I sure hope never to know it.

But I do imagine it.

He had tears in his eyes when he slipped the plain silver on the ring finger of my left hand some years ago. It was the last moment before his bus was due to leave. I was left standing there speechless when the bus left the station. I then sat in my car for a long time, sharing his emotion, drowned in my own tears. It took me some time before I was composed enough to drive home and face the rest of the world.

He didn’t get the ring size quite right. It didn’t sit too comfortably on my ring finger. I tried it on my middle finger and found it a better fit. After a while, it felt like a body part. At times, I did not even remember it was there. Other times, my thumb sought it out for the comfort and assurance of his love.

Looking back, that day might have been the last I saw him before many things started to change. I saw them as changes in the right direction. My guess is that he didn’t feel the same way, so he went the other direction. Despite everything, I’d like to believe that he remained passionately in love with me; if only because to think otherwise would be too painful to bear.

When the breakup became inevitable, I slipped the ring off my finger, opened his palm, placed the ring on it and closed it for him. I didn’t look up to see if there were tears again in his eyes before I walked away.

Now I miss my ring. I miss the comfort it brings when the tip of my thumb touches it.

With that empty space on my finger, there is also a space in my heart where once love had resided. Most times I just feel emptiness. Other times, I feel something tugging away in that space, reminding me of what it was like when he was still with me.

Is that a Phantom Limb phenomenon?
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