Moron

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It was a fine day today. When I got home from work, it was warm and clear outside. But as I entered the bathroom, all of a sudden, I started to feel cold and I shivered violently. Never have I experienced such intense shivering.

I then caught my reflection in the bathroom mirror. It was then that I realised that it was not cold that I was experiencing. My eyes displayed pure anger.

It was already a few weeks after the concert when we finally spoke on the phone last night. I answered the call to find out if I could still hold a civilised conversation with him. As expected, he told me that he loved me, to which I said, “You are a stupid stupid man”. Somehow the words idiot and moron also slipped into the conversation. So much for being civilised.

It had made me real angry that he didn’t apologise. Does he not any idea how much hurt he has caused me? What does it take to get through to him. It was this anger that I saw in the mirror.

There is a saying that if you keep doing the same things in the same way, you cannot expect a different result. I keep falling for the same kind of men but expecting the result to turn out different. I must be the moron here!

I mean that in a funny kind of way. I am not putting myself down. I remain proud of who I am for I know that I had always kept to my commitment. I do not accept any guilt for sticking to my principles.

It must have been that comfort zone factor that drew me to the same type of men. No effort is needed to fall in love with them. I am all too familiar with what works and what doesn’t. And for things which are doubtful, I thought that I could learn from past experience and do things different and better. Easier said than done of course.

It is only on hindsight that I could see the men I fell in love with are having similar characters. While in love, I chose to be blinded to the similarities. I ignored the signs. I accepted the same faults again, making excuses for him, telling myself that he is not as bad as the last man.

Perhaps his feigning ignorance of my feelings is his own way of denying that he had messed up. Perhaps his seeming arrogance that last time I saw him was really to hide his embarrassment for being caught lying red-handed. Perhaps I am making these excuses for him yet again to come to terms with my own bitterness, not wanting to believe that he doesn’t need me anymore.

All said, I have no intention of restoring the relationship to what it was before. Doing so would definitely make me a moron.
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