Be Happy

A woman asked her middle-aged friend. You have a body of an 18yr old. There is hardly any line on your face. What's your secret?

Others in the group were expecting the usual tirade of balanced diet, enough sleep, exercise, avoid the sun, yada yada yada. Instead, she answered:

Be happy. Look for happiness. Don't wait for it to come to you. And happiness doesn't only come packaged in a man. Its everywhere and anywhere. You just need to be sensitive to your surroundings and the people in it. Now, even if those don't keep you trim, at least you are happy!!

Decisions...decisions...

Three years on…

A friend spoke of his current predicament of being stuck between a rock and a hard place. It was 3 years since I wrote that piece and now I shared it with him. Maybe it helps, maybe it doesn’t. From recent lessons, I have learned that some people actually find useful the experiences that I share with them. So I have decided to share. His choice is to use or discard.

We are often stuck with the worry of making the wrong decisions. But is there really ever a wrong decision? For that matter, is there really ever a right decision? We make our choices based on information we know or what we think we know. These may be logical, and may also be emotional. What do we know of its consequences when there are so many variables present surrounding each decision?

A reasonable person does not make decisions with intent to hurt others.

A reasonable person does not knowingly make decisions which would make him/her worse off.

A reasonable person would not knowingly make decisions which would put people he cares for in disadvantageous position.

And we all think that we are reasonable people.

But even with the best of intentions, we do hurt others. We do become worse off from time to time. We do put our loved ones in disadvantageous positions. Does that mean we made bad decisions?

At other times, consequences of our decisions are that we give joy to ourselves and others. We help ease another’s burden. We get our loved ones overcome obstacles. Do those mean that we made good decisions?

Not so! They are merely decisions. Period. Their outcomes may be partially within our power to determine. But while we may think that we are more or less in control, there are millions other decisions being made at the same time by others totally (or rather, seemingly) unconnected to us which affect the outcome of ours.

It’s ok to pat ourselves in the back for happy outcomes as it makes us feel good.  But we must stop beating up ourselves for making ‘wrong’ decisions. In the larger scheme of things, we are all powerless anyway.

Goody Two-Shoes

I’m not the complaining type. Honest, I’m not. But the tea lady was late this afternoon. She normally comes around 3pm to deliver afternoon tea to my desk. She came well past 4pm instead. And I needed to leave already. The tea was still too hot to drink even after allowing 10 more minutes, and I didn’t want to burn my tongue. I couldn’t wait anymore so I left the steaming cup of tea on my desk.

All the way home, I felt guilty. And I felt ridiculous too. It’s ridiculous to feel guilty for not finishing my cup of tea. But I couldn’t help it. What is wrong with me? It’s just a cup of tea! But I felt bad for wasting the water, the electricity that heated it, the tea, the sugar and the effort of the sweet lady.

Is this what some people meant when they say I am a nice person? Because I always care for how others feel? But they got it all wrong. I don’t always care for how others feel. I am selfish. I consider myself the most important person in the world, bar none. But people don’t know that. They think I’m just joking when I say that.

Is this also what some people meant when they say that I am righteous? Because I feel guilty for the slightest things?  But they got it all wrong. Of course I feel guilty - because I do the wrong things all the time. But I don’t go around telling the world that I do the wrong things all the time.

The questions that need answering are, am I righteous or self-righteous? Am I a snob or reverse-snob? Or, am I simply a miss goody two-shoes, full of myself?

Gosh, I need a shrink!!

Borrowed Time

My parents passed on around a decade ago, within 4 yrs of each other. It is natural for me to think that old people would be gone, so I never gave much thought over when my parents would leave us. I had also taken it for granted that we love each other enough, or know each other well enough, for them to understand that I love them; that I've done for them what I could be expected to do for them; that all is forgiven; so that I can get on with life without any regrets as far as my relationships with them is concerned.

It is different when it comes to friends. I have made some incredible relationships throughout my life. These relationships had started since anything from my teenage years, college, my three jobs, and others in between.

As friends my age returned home to Allah in the recent years, it got me thinking, how much more time do I have left with those still with me. Will I leave this world without the chance to tell them how grateful I am for their presence in my life? Or will it be the case that I will be regretting not saying things that need to be said when they precede me.

Age is a factor. Some of them have passed their official life expectancies. I have told them my appreciation for sharing with me their friendship. But distance from some of these special persons has prevented me from saying it while looking into their eyes, or to seal it with a hug.

These elderly friends have taught me much on the meaning of respect. I do not mean that I learnt to respect the elderly from them. They taught me how to earn respect and to give respect, and that one earns respects when giving where its due. They showed me respect when I thought I was nobody but a fleck of dust in their world of experience and knowledge. I learned without a doubt that respect has nothing to do with our social position. I learned that we all deserve respect for the simple reason that we are human; that each of us is someone's child, mother, father, sister, brother.

I am still hopeful that I will meet each one of these wonderful people on my list. I am hopeful that Allah will lend us sufficient time and resources we need to fulfil my desire to thank each and every one of them in person, and to tell them how much difference they have made in my life.

Marriage Proposals

How does one handle three marriage proposals in a day.

Accept the first.
It wasnt for me. It was for the lovely young woman who lives in my house. The boy's family came to see the family of the girl's, brought a ring and left it for the girl and her family to consider. Its just a formality. The fact that they were welcomed for the visit was already a tacit acceptance.

Reject the second with no concern of his feelings.
Is there any other way when he is married, with a mixed-bag of children at that? Out of love for his two children, I have maintained a friendly relationship. However, when he keeps making his intention known to all and sundry including his family, his children, my family and my friends (asking them to plead on his behalf), I have no option but to avoid him as much as possible. Where is his brain? Well, his children say that its in his knee-caps, so I guess I'm gonna have to smash his knees to knock some sense into him.

Reject the third delicately.
There is love. There is affection. There is hurt too. A year ago I told him, its now or never. We continued to keep in touch, meeting every couple of months. Some 3~4 months ago, I repeated that call when my heart somewhat softened. Still, nothing happened. So I made other commitments taking into account a life without him. I took up a new job which will last me up to 3 years. I met new people. I started new and rewarding relationships. In a space of a mere 3 months, too many things have changed such that to build a life with him is no longer important. Worse, it no longer feels right. How do I tell this man whom I have loved for many years, without hurting him? No sense in keeping this hanging over us. When he made the proposal late that evening, I told him as it is. He didnt believe me. Two weeks on, he is still in denial. Its as if he hadnt heard me. Next step: Quit him cold turkey.

Smell The Roses

I do stop to smell the roses. One of the things that I do towards that is to spend as little time as possible on the road so I have more time for the things I enjoy most. That means leaving home when it is still dark and leaving work early, to avoid traffic congestions. Little did I know that there are roses to smell even during those rush hours.

After a late night out, I left home this morning 20 minutes later than usual, into slow-moving traffic. As my car reached the brow of the hill facing east, I was presented with a wonderful scene of daybreak sunlight shining from below the clouds. The warm glow in many shades of red, orange and yellow, and the shadows which played on the clouds above were simply magnificent. I gaped at the beautiful picture, praising Allah for His inimitable creation. For once I was actually willing for the traffic to remain at a standstill, just so I can enjoy the stunning view which I know will last for only a few minutes.

To The Limits

Have you ever hit these barriers? My passenger had asked as we passed a toll gate.

That brought me back to one fine day some years ago when I decided to test how fast I could go without hitting, that is, to be just in time to reach the barrier as it opens. I never found out how fast I was going; was too shocked when we actually hit it. Fortunately, they have designed the barrier to open outwards as the bonnet touched it. We didn’t stop laughing until long after we left the place.

I have pushed many things to the limits.

I have pushed my boss to the limits. I kept defying him - for what I believed was right for the company - until he bullied me into submission. It’s been more than a year now, a difficult year trying to re-establish the broken trust. Neither has apologised. But things are looking up. If my promotion is of any indication, then I must have done something right. Even if the promotion is done to get me out of his hair, I am having the last laugh...at least until the next crisis.

Did I push my relationships to the limits? That may just be true. But I'm done examining the past.

I'm pushing my wheels to the limits. Deep Purple's Speed King on the stereo, I have time and again gone past the speed limits. In fact it’s more like I hardly ever drive within the speed limits. It still amazes me that after 3 years, I haven’t had a single ticket on this car. I do sometimes imagine getting hurt or even killed in a crash. Who knows, I may get careless when tired; for that matter, I may adhere to all the traffic rules, but other road users may get careless...

A friend just loves listening to my adventures of the heart. She would then caution me, "I just love you too much darling. Stay cautious...I don’t want you to get hurt". But dear, we get hurt all the time and we bounce back every time. We shouldn’t let that fear gets in the way of living.

Another enjoys stories of my outdoors adventure. When he heard of my plans for Nepal, he would say, "Why do you have to go to all these places?" "How do I know you will be safe?" "You could get hurt or killed!" And I'd say, I could die falling off the stairs. Should I then avoid using the staircase?

I am not suicidal. Speed doesn't kill. It’s like jumping off a plane doesn't kill you. It’s hitting the ground that does the job.

I am living my life, sometimes pushing it to the limits...but I do try to carry with me a parachute when I can...

Intern

I have served in a few large corporations through my working life. During those tenures, I had my fair share of supervising interns, be they local or foreign kids.

I observed that in general, they start off rather timid, unsure of themselves. Towards the end of their 8-12 weeks or so, you can see that they have grown in confidence as well as in their network among staff. Most try their best not to step on anyones toes, towing the line, even when the line appears crooked. Some staff members would enjoy bullying those poor souls who are more or less stuck for the duration of the internship.

Against that background and experience, its refreshing to listen to one intern (in another company) who described how she had told off her supervisor who was being rude, not just to her, but others as well.

This supervisor brags about having worked in the company for 29 years. He probably thinks that it gives him the right to be abusive towards all others who have served less time.

The young woman was one week into her internship when he was upset with her over something. The supervisor wasted no time to grab his chance to show who's boss. He raised his voice at her in plain view of the rest of the staff in the department.

What he didnt bargain for was that this young woman had learned early on not to let anyone walk all over her, and to stand up for herself and others against injustice. She looked him straight in the eyes and told him firmly, ”Please do tell me if I'm wrong but you dont have to raise your voice with me!” Imagine his shock to be spoken to in that manner. By a 'lowly' intern at that!

Whats interesting was what followed in the next days. He no longer uses abusive language on the kid although he continued with his usual behaviour with others. Great for the kid, but honestly, I dont understand how that reputable company could allow such behaviour at all. In my environment, he would've been marched to the HR office twenty eight and a half years ago.

In my earlier post, I had related the fact that I was in an abusive relationship. He only stopped his threatening behaviour including abusive language when I took the risk of standing up against him after a long period. I should have had the courage of that kid much earlier.

I know for certain that the young woman will be successful in whatever she does. I also hope that she will share her stories for others to learn early in their lives.

I'm not depressed

It is now more than 3 years since my last post. I had visited these pages from time to time to remind myself how far I have moved on since then. When friends urged me to write again, I always responded that I write only when I’m depressed. As I hadn’t been in that state for quite some time, so these pages has not seen any new material.

But now I feel like writing again, among other things. Not because I’m depressed. But I have been told that I should share more of my experience. That I should speak up more often. I didn’t understand why anyone would want to listen to me. I’m so ordinary with nothing exciting to share, no lesson others can learn from me that they cannot get elsewhere. What I do and how I live my life is just a matter of course. I do what I have to do to survive, to contribute, to find happiness, just like everybody else.

However I learned recently that I should share my stories anyway. Let my listeners be the judge if the stories are of any use to them. Those who do not wish to listen don’t have to. I have known for a long time that the most meaningful kind of gift is one which we find most valuable to ourselves. And what could be more valuable to give away than the only thing that I truly own…my stories.

So there I was, trying to login to this page. Naturally, having been away for too long, I couldn’t remember my password anymore. I attempted with several different ones which I had used in the past, none worked. After some days thinking and trying, I gave up, and I clicked ‘forgot password’. The first question asked was, “Where did you have your honeymoon?” How can it be asking me this question? I couldn’t have answered it then so I can’t possibly answer it now. In fact there is no answer to that. I never had a honeymoon!

But the question did jolt me somewhat. The next day when I tried again, my fingers just flew to the right keys...and here I am.