Let The Healing Begin

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In the last weeks I had indulged in phone conversations with him. My intention was to firstly learn as much truth from him as possible. I had hoped to understand his side of the story. I wanted to make some sense of what had happened, or not happened between us.

Even at the outset, I knew that I could well be setting myself up for more pain and heartbreak. True enough, I was a bigger mess every time our phone calls ended. After three weeks, I still couldn’t tell the truth from the lies.

So bent was I in seeking that closure, at one point I came dangerously close to succumbing to the temptation of flying out to meet him. I bought my return tickets. I ordered a taxi to take me to the airport. It was only half an hour before the taxi was due to arrive that I changed my mind.

Boy…was I glad I didn’t take the trip. I lost that few hundred ringgits but got to keep my resolve.

Last night I thought that our communication was getting us nowhere. I said to myself, why prolong the pain if no discerning result is coming out of it. It was just then that he told me, “We can never get everything we want; it’s all decided for us; we must not forget Qada’ and Qadar”.

It was not actually anything new what he said. In the recent weeks, I have read the same thing over and over again elsewhere. I have even said it to myself to make me feel better. I have had others reminded me of the same. But that was the first time in three weeks that he said something I believe in without an iota of a doubt.

I guess, all that time, I was looking for a place where we are both standing together with the same understanding of where we are exactly. And I finally found it in that statement. There are still many questions which shall remain unanswered. But I believe that having him said that to me was just what I needed for the closure I am looking for.

To be sure, my heart is still in tatters. There is still plenty of hurt left to be spent. Nonetheless, I know that the healing process can now truly begin.

Now it is time to keep a proper distance. Unlike before, staying completely disconnected from him doesn’t seem too far fetched anymore. I will use that time to pick up the pieces of my heart. I will slowly put them together and nurse it back to health.

One day, sooner or later, when my strength returns, I will stand back to admire the jigsaw puzzle of my heart. There would then be a third piece missing from that picture. Those missing pieces will make the puzzle special.

Stories shall be told in place of those unseen pieces. When I am able to tell the third story with a smile, I would know that my healing is then complete.
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