.
A few weeks ago, I gave up hoping that he would apologise. Sure he already said sorry, but it didn’t really count because I coaxed it out of him.
Two nights ago it was different. We were having one of our now rare late night phone calls, catching up on each other, when he genuinely apologised. I had least expected it when he finally admitted that he had hurt me. Knowing him as a proud man, it means a lot although the apology has come much later than I would have preferred. After all, sorry may well be his hardest word.
It had taken him two months but it is still not too late. It doesn’t mean that I’m taking him back. I just feel that perhaps he too can now let go of the past and look to what the future might bring him. Perhaps this admission means that he finally understands that it is not a viable option for me to remain with him.
Prior to that, he had said that he would never leave me, to which I agree..only because I have already left. Still, I like to think that he would continue to love me for a while yet, just as I do him. It doesn’t mean that we will get back together. I trust it means that we can still rely on each other when we need a friend. Perhaps there will be time when we could use each other for moral boost where needed.
It means that I would like to still meet him for dinner or a drink when he is in town, just to share updates in our mutually complicated lives, or to listen to our latest adventures.
At the very least I can trust him for some good hearty laughs.
.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
Between A Rock And A Hard Place
.
I learned some valuable lessons at the weekend when I got myself stuck between a rock and a hard place, literally, and several times too in different caves.
I learned that as I go through life, I would from time to time be stuck in unpleasant situations. When that happens, I would need to spend additional effort and energy to extricate myself from that mess. There are normally forks in the paths that I could choose from. Invariably, one is to step back to where I came from, and the other to move forward. Both options are wrought with their own challenges, risks and unknowns.
In a sense, even if I choose to make a U-turn, that path may turn out to be as difficult as if I were to move forward. The trail which I thought was familiar when I came through one hole to be where I was is never the same when coming from the opposite direction. The same handholds and footholds are not as safe anymore so I would have to find different ones now.
Now, why should I then go back and face as much risks when I will only end up in the same place. I imagine going forward into the unknown is a lot more interesting. The pain, aches and bruises that come with it is anyway part of the fun. So basically, when stuck between a rock and a hard place, just go forward, literally and figuratively.
I also learned another lesson in going forward. At one point, I was facing a 20ft rock face. The guy in front of me made it up after trying and slipping several time. It took me some time to work up the courage, so I let a few others pass through, after which I couldn’t delay any more without holding up the whole gang.
Without a firm foothold, I slipped a couple of times. Then the gentleman stranger behind me offered his hands for me to step on. He cupped his hands together and held them up above his head. I gingerly stepped on them (in my boots too) and made it half way up the rock face. It was probably painful for his arms and hands but he didn’t complain.
Just like real life, at some points I must accept help from strangers to push me through some difficulties. I must trust that the offer of help is genuine and that the stranger has what it takes to give me that assistance. I learn too that I must sometimes offer my help to others in need without being asked for, and without expecting anything in return.
I had now left the hands that was supporting me, and yet still unable to reach the top of the ledge where someone was eagerly waiting to pull me up. There I was midway up the wall and left to my own devices. Giving up would have meant a 10ft drop onto a bed of rock, so the only way to go was up. Difficult as it was, somehow I managed to pull myself up. It was a marvelous feeling to have conquered something that earlier had seemed insurmountable.
A couple more obstacles and there I was looking at a tiny crevice with sunlight streaming in. A few steps up with a little wiggle around the sharp edges and I was out in the cool shade of the jungle.
Interesting enough, the gentleman who had helped me up the menacing wall then had a hard time getting out through that final crack. He was stuck for more than an hour and he was getting weak after making many attempts to push himself up. Fortunately, what goes around comes around, in a good way. Pulling him out was not an option. Another kind soul went around the back…which took a good half hour…and offered his hands to be stepped on. While waiting, the rest of the gang was keeping him company and sharing with him water snacks and some jokes to keep the spirits up.
That was yet another lesson learned. Sometimes I am stuck and others help me. Other times, I get to pay it forward to someone else. Our good deeds are always returned, at times many times over.
.
I learned some valuable lessons at the weekend when I got myself stuck between a rock and a hard place, literally, and several times too in different caves.
I learned that as I go through life, I would from time to time be stuck in unpleasant situations. When that happens, I would need to spend additional effort and energy to extricate myself from that mess. There are normally forks in the paths that I could choose from. Invariably, one is to step back to where I came from, and the other to move forward. Both options are wrought with their own challenges, risks and unknowns.
In a sense, even if I choose to make a U-turn, that path may turn out to be as difficult as if I were to move forward. The trail which I thought was familiar when I came through one hole to be where I was is never the same when coming from the opposite direction. The same handholds and footholds are not as safe anymore so I would have to find different ones now.
Now, why should I then go back and face as much risks when I will only end up in the same place. I imagine going forward into the unknown is a lot more interesting. The pain, aches and bruises that come with it is anyway part of the fun. So basically, when stuck between a rock and a hard place, just go forward, literally and figuratively.
I also learned another lesson in going forward. At one point, I was facing a 20ft rock face. The guy in front of me made it up after trying and slipping several time. It took me some time to work up the courage, so I let a few others pass through, after which I couldn’t delay any more without holding up the whole gang.
Without a firm foothold, I slipped a couple of times. Then the gentleman stranger behind me offered his hands for me to step on. He cupped his hands together and held them up above his head. I gingerly stepped on them (in my boots too) and made it half way up the rock face. It was probably painful for his arms and hands but he didn’t complain.
Just like real life, at some points I must accept help from strangers to push me through some difficulties. I must trust that the offer of help is genuine and that the stranger has what it takes to give me that assistance. I learn too that I must sometimes offer my help to others in need without being asked for, and without expecting anything in return.
I had now left the hands that was supporting me, and yet still unable to reach the top of the ledge where someone was eagerly waiting to pull me up. There I was midway up the wall and left to my own devices. Giving up would have meant a 10ft drop onto a bed of rock, so the only way to go was up. Difficult as it was, somehow I managed to pull myself up. It was a marvelous feeling to have conquered something that earlier had seemed insurmountable.
A couple more obstacles and there I was looking at a tiny crevice with sunlight streaming in. A few steps up with a little wiggle around the sharp edges and I was out in the cool shade of the jungle.
Interesting enough, the gentleman who had helped me up the menacing wall then had a hard time getting out through that final crack. He was stuck for more than an hour and he was getting weak after making many attempts to push himself up. Fortunately, what goes around comes around, in a good way. Pulling him out was not an option. Another kind soul went around the back…which took a good half hour…and offered his hands to be stepped on. While waiting, the rest of the gang was keeping him company and sharing with him water snacks and some jokes to keep the spirits up.
That was yet another lesson learned. Sometimes I am stuck and others help me. Other times, I get to pay it forward to someone else. Our good deeds are always returned, at times many times over.
.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Counting My Blessings
.
It is now more than a week since my last post. The fact that I don’t feel the need to write as much anymore is a good sign. Time does heal after all.
In the recent years and months, I have witnessed sufferings of others which not only dwarf my own, but in fact make me view my life as full of blessings. Some examples I am listing below.
A friend discovered that her husband of 15yrs had re-married behind her back. She discovered this when she was recovering from delivery of her third child. It has been years since and she has accepted the fate. Financially, he provides well for the family; she stayed with him but raising her children practically single-handedly with hardly any emotional support from the man she continues to love. I am blessed.
A young acquaintance, married for 5 years said she made love with husband at most once a month. She said he meditates a lot in lieu of sex. Yeah..right..soon enough she discovered the third person. She kicked him out, he begged for her to take him back when he lost his job, and she..bless her heart...took him back...now they are trying again for a baby. I am blessed..in that she chose to trust my counsel like a sister she doesnt have.
Another couple had just completed a year of married life. During the year, she gave birth to a son. But she wasn’t celebrating their anniversary because she has learned that her husband has continued his relationship with an old flame. I am blessed.
One tough lady was divorced by her husband at least 7 years ago. He took her daughter away and she has not had a chance to see her again. The child is now 10yrs old. The only thing she knows about her mother is that she is a bad bad woman because that's what her father tells her. I am blessed.
A father of seven raising his children alone after his wife died of childbirth. I am blessed.
A father of two was taken to the cleaners by his wife. She left suddenly with everything movable that they owned, except the two children including one still in diapers. He raised them both on his own. Just when it got easier with both of them going to school, she sued for custody. The children have been shuttling back and forth between the two parents, depending on the latest court order, with no end in sight. I am blessed.
A couple married for donkey years, with children old enough to have their own children. She gave up her job when they were married. The husband is now having a mid-life crisis. No job but with an affair. She is now dipping into her meager savings to continue her daily existence. I am blessed.
A friend from school, having a great career, gifted children, understanding husband...the perfect family. Or so she thought. The husband is having an affair and she doesn’t have an inkling. The wife is always the last to know. I am blessed.
I have my family, sans husband. I have my job which I still enjoy. I have my health. I am free to go anywhere and do anything anytime that pleases me. I am blessed.
.
It is now more than a week since my last post. The fact that I don’t feel the need to write as much anymore is a good sign. Time does heal after all.
In the recent years and months, I have witnessed sufferings of others which not only dwarf my own, but in fact make me view my life as full of blessings. Some examples I am listing below.
A friend discovered that her husband of 15yrs had re-married behind her back. She discovered this when she was recovering from delivery of her third child. It has been years since and she has accepted the fate. Financially, he provides well for the family; she stayed with him but raising her children practically single-handedly with hardly any emotional support from the man she continues to love. I am blessed.
A young acquaintance, married for 5 years said she made love with husband at most once a month. She said he meditates a lot in lieu of sex. Yeah..right..soon enough she discovered the third person. She kicked him out, he begged for her to take him back when he lost his job, and she..bless her heart...took him back...now they are trying again for a baby. I am blessed..in that she chose to trust my counsel like a sister she doesnt have.
Another couple had just completed a year of married life. During the year, she gave birth to a son. But she wasn’t celebrating their anniversary because she has learned that her husband has continued his relationship with an old flame. I am blessed.
One tough lady was divorced by her husband at least 7 years ago. He took her daughter away and she has not had a chance to see her again. The child is now 10yrs old. The only thing she knows about her mother is that she is a bad bad woman because that's what her father tells her. I am blessed.
A father of seven raising his children alone after his wife died of childbirth. I am blessed.
A father of two was taken to the cleaners by his wife. She left suddenly with everything movable that they owned, except the two children including one still in diapers. He raised them both on his own. Just when it got easier with both of them going to school, she sued for custody. The children have been shuttling back and forth between the two parents, depending on the latest court order, with no end in sight. I am blessed.
A couple married for donkey years, with children old enough to have their own children. She gave up her job when they were married. The husband is now having a mid-life crisis. No job but with an affair. She is now dipping into her meager savings to continue her daily existence. I am blessed.
A friend from school, having a great career, gifted children, understanding husband...the perfect family. Or so she thought. The husband is having an affair and she doesn’t have an inkling. The wife is always the last to know. I am blessed.
I have my family, sans husband. I have my job which I still enjoy. I have my health. I am free to go anywhere and do anything anytime that pleases me. I am blessed.
.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Let The Healing Begin
.
In the last weeks I had indulged in phone conversations with him. My intention was to firstly learn as much truth from him as possible. I had hoped to understand his side of the story. I wanted to make some sense of what had happened, or not happened between us.
Even at the outset, I knew that I could well be setting myself up for more pain and heartbreak. True enough, I was a bigger mess every time our phone calls ended. After three weeks, I still couldn’t tell the truth from the lies.
So bent was I in seeking that closure, at one point I came dangerously close to succumbing to the temptation of flying out to meet him. I bought my return tickets. I ordered a taxi to take me to the airport. It was only half an hour before the taxi was due to arrive that I changed my mind.
Boy…was I glad I didn’t take the trip. I lost that few hundred ringgits but got to keep my resolve.
Last night I thought that our communication was getting us nowhere. I said to myself, why prolong the pain if no discerning result is coming out of it. It was just then that he told me, “We can never get everything we want; it’s all decided for us; we must not forget Qada’ and Qadar”.
It was not actually anything new what he said. In the recent weeks, I have read the same thing over and over again elsewhere. I have even said it to myself to make me feel better. I have had others reminded me of the same. But that was the first time in three weeks that he said something I believe in without an iota of a doubt.
I guess, all that time, I was looking for a place where we are both standing together with the same understanding of where we are exactly. And I finally found it in that statement. There are still many questions which shall remain unanswered. But I believe that having him said that to me was just what I needed for the closure I am looking for.
To be sure, my heart is still in tatters. There is still plenty of hurt left to be spent. Nonetheless, I know that the healing process can now truly begin.
Now it is time to keep a proper distance. Unlike before, staying completely disconnected from him doesn’t seem too far fetched anymore. I will use that time to pick up the pieces of my heart. I will slowly put them together and nurse it back to health.
One day, sooner or later, when my strength returns, I will stand back to admire the jigsaw puzzle of my heart. There would then be a third piece missing from that picture. Those missing pieces will make the puzzle special.
Stories shall be told in place of those unseen pieces. When I am able to tell the third story with a smile, I would know that my healing is then complete.
.
In the last weeks I had indulged in phone conversations with him. My intention was to firstly learn as much truth from him as possible. I had hoped to understand his side of the story. I wanted to make some sense of what had happened, or not happened between us.
Even at the outset, I knew that I could well be setting myself up for more pain and heartbreak. True enough, I was a bigger mess every time our phone calls ended. After three weeks, I still couldn’t tell the truth from the lies.
So bent was I in seeking that closure, at one point I came dangerously close to succumbing to the temptation of flying out to meet him. I bought my return tickets. I ordered a taxi to take me to the airport. It was only half an hour before the taxi was due to arrive that I changed my mind.
Boy…was I glad I didn’t take the trip. I lost that few hundred ringgits but got to keep my resolve.
Last night I thought that our communication was getting us nowhere. I said to myself, why prolong the pain if no discerning result is coming out of it. It was just then that he told me, “We can never get everything we want; it’s all decided for us; we must not forget Qada’ and Qadar”.
It was not actually anything new what he said. In the recent weeks, I have read the same thing over and over again elsewhere. I have even said it to myself to make me feel better. I have had others reminded me of the same. But that was the first time in three weeks that he said something I believe in without an iota of a doubt.
I guess, all that time, I was looking for a place where we are both standing together with the same understanding of where we are exactly. And I finally found it in that statement. There are still many questions which shall remain unanswered. But I believe that having him said that to me was just what I needed for the closure I am looking for.
To be sure, my heart is still in tatters. There is still plenty of hurt left to be spent. Nonetheless, I know that the healing process can now truly begin.
Now it is time to keep a proper distance. Unlike before, staying completely disconnected from him doesn’t seem too far fetched anymore. I will use that time to pick up the pieces of my heart. I will slowly put them together and nurse it back to health.
One day, sooner or later, when my strength returns, I will stand back to admire the jigsaw puzzle of my heart. There would then be a third piece missing from that picture. Those missing pieces will make the puzzle special.
Stories shall be told in place of those unseen pieces. When I am able to tell the third story with a smile, I would know that my healing is then complete.
.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Its Not Over Until The Fat Lady Sings
.
My official mourning period is now over. Let’s see what I have accomplished in that time, and what I have failed to overcome.
That decision to leave him hasn’t stopped me from missing him. I know that it could result in me doing some stupid things like flying out to see him. I don’t trust I could be in full control of my faculties if that happens. So I plan one outing after another elsewhere in the next weeks. This avoids having idle weekends in my calendar which may give me that stupid idea. Better be crazy than stupid.
That craziness may result in me replacing my busted set of wheels. As the end of the two weeks loan approaches, I like the 200 car better and better. I think it suits me better that the sleek dream car I had always wanted.
I no longer constantly feel as if someone has just punched me in the stomach and knock the wind out of me. My heart doesn’t ache as much; at least not that unbearable squeeze which leaves me breathless. These still happen from time to time, but not with the same severity.
I’m humming and whistling again. I haven’t yet sung as hearty as I used to, but I know it will come back.
I haven’t seen him again since the break-up, not yet. I do not rule it out. We speak on the phone a couple of times. Sometimes emotional, other times sober and laughing. But it still hurts each time.
He just doesn’t seem to understand the grief caused to me. I must stop trying to make him understand. I must stop expecting that he would ever apologise.
Apologies or not, I have ruled out renewing romance with him. That’s what the sane mind tells me, but who is to know what Allah has written in my book.
I have lost weight. While I was shocked to find my waist shrunk two notches on my belt, this is nothing new. I got sick every couple of years and lose that weight anyway. Since I have been healthy for a while, this episode compensates in the gain/loss cycle.
I still believe that he loves me. I still love him. When there is so much war and hatred in the world, I think what we have is still beautiful, imperfect as it is.
I have no regrets. There will always be others who make impact in our lives; some make life difficult and unbearable, yet others who help keep our faith and see the beauty in mankind. I can’t stop people doing what they do because they have their motivation, just as much as I have my own. The only thing that makes sense is to take responsibility for how I respond to them.
I hope not to be afraid to love again. As they say, better to love and lost rather than not love at all. As long as the fat lady hasn’t sung, I shall continue to love.
.
My official mourning period is now over. Let’s see what I have accomplished in that time, and what I have failed to overcome.
That decision to leave him hasn’t stopped me from missing him. I know that it could result in me doing some stupid things like flying out to see him. I don’t trust I could be in full control of my faculties if that happens. So I plan one outing after another elsewhere in the next weeks. This avoids having idle weekends in my calendar which may give me that stupid idea. Better be crazy than stupid.
That craziness may result in me replacing my busted set of wheels. As the end of the two weeks loan approaches, I like the 200 car better and better. I think it suits me better that the sleek dream car I had always wanted.
I no longer constantly feel as if someone has just punched me in the stomach and knock the wind out of me. My heart doesn’t ache as much; at least not that unbearable squeeze which leaves me breathless. These still happen from time to time, but not with the same severity.
I’m humming and whistling again. I haven’t yet sung as hearty as I used to, but I know it will come back.
I haven’t seen him again since the break-up, not yet. I do not rule it out. We speak on the phone a couple of times. Sometimes emotional, other times sober and laughing. But it still hurts each time.
He just doesn’t seem to understand the grief caused to me. I must stop trying to make him understand. I must stop expecting that he would ever apologise.
Apologies or not, I have ruled out renewing romance with him. That’s what the sane mind tells me, but who is to know what Allah has written in my book.
I have lost weight. While I was shocked to find my waist shrunk two notches on my belt, this is nothing new. I got sick every couple of years and lose that weight anyway. Since I have been healthy for a while, this episode compensates in the gain/loss cycle.
I still believe that he loves me. I still love him. When there is so much war and hatred in the world, I think what we have is still beautiful, imperfect as it is.
I have no regrets. There will always be others who make impact in our lives; some make life difficult and unbearable, yet others who help keep our faith and see the beauty in mankind. I can’t stop people doing what they do because they have their motivation, just as much as I have my own. The only thing that makes sense is to take responsibility for how I respond to them.
I hope not to be afraid to love again. As they say, better to love and lost rather than not love at all. As long as the fat lady hasn’t sung, I shall continue to love.
.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Who Wants to Live Forever
.
There’s no chance for us
Its all decided for us
This world has only one sweet moment set aside for us
Those are lyrics from Queen’s Who Wants to Live Forever. My past loves like to use words like Forever, Always, Tetap. I have good excuse never to rely on those words; none of those men is with me today.
My first love uses “Tetap Sayang”. Even today. In the meantime, he had gone on and made a family for himself.
My second love says “Love Forever”. There were hundreds of letters bearing those words. Where is he now? Gone and raised a family for himself. I have shredded every single piece of the now meaningless letters.
When third love started to play with “I will Always love you”, alarm bells rang in my head. And I rang it loud and clear for him too. Told him from the outset I didn’t believe in it.
Those words should be banned from romantic vocabulary. When we can’t even tell what’s to happen in the next second, how can we pretend to know how we would feel at any time in the future?
The only thing that is certain is change. It is a better bet any time.
As Mercury sang…Who waits forever anyway…
.
There’s no chance for us
Its all decided for us
This world has only one sweet moment set aside for us
Those are lyrics from Queen’s Who Wants to Live Forever. My past loves like to use words like Forever, Always, Tetap. I have good excuse never to rely on those words; none of those men is with me today.
My first love uses “Tetap Sayang”. Even today. In the meantime, he had gone on and made a family for himself.
My second love says “Love Forever”. There were hundreds of letters bearing those words. Where is he now? Gone and raised a family for himself. I have shredded every single piece of the now meaningless letters.
When third love started to play with “I will Always love you”, alarm bells rang in my head. And I rang it loud and clear for him too. Told him from the outset I didn’t believe in it.
Those words should be banned from romantic vocabulary. When we can’t even tell what’s to happen in the next second, how can we pretend to know how we would feel at any time in the future?
The only thing that is certain is change. It is a better bet any time.
As Mercury sang…Who waits forever anyway…
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