The Sound of Silence

I learned some time ago that silence has a sound.

It was late in the night and I was getting myself ready for bed. It was quiet all around when I started to hear the sound. A distinct high pitch which wouldn't go away even when I cupped my ears. I thought nothing of it and found it rather comforting to hear it in the darkest of nights.

But recently, the same sound of silence came to me in the broad daylight in a crowded restaurant. Only it was obviously louder as it rose above the din of chatters and clutter of cutleries on the plates.

I was nauseated and felt lightheaded. I lied down on a bench and closed my eyes hoping that the sound would leave me. What is this sound? Go away!!

But it wouldn't. It stayed in my ear like parasite. Alas, it was never the sound of silence that I heard. It  is and had always been tinnitus; I just didn't know it.

The Sound of Silence - Simon & Garfunkel

Wonderful Tonight

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It was a warm Sunday afternoon. We were walking unhurried past a public square towards the undergound station. Waiters at the restaurants surrounding the square were busy serving patrons dining alfresco.

A local band was playing at a corner complete with drum set and the whole works. Just as we passed them, a pair of teenage girls started belting Eric Clapton's Wonderful Tonight.

I stopped in my tracks, so did my companion. We walked closer to the band. Their voice werent exactly the best, but we just stood there, humming along. We were enjoying the simplicity of it all. Raw music, great weather, friendly neighbourhood. And of course one of my favourite songs.

The song ended and we made our way to the station. My companion asked me, why do you like that song?

I dont know what he expected to hear. That a tall dark and handsome guy had sang it to me? That I danced to the tune with the most romantic man? That those words were whispered to me once upon a time? Since none of those were true, I said, I dont know why.

Almost a year has now passed. Each time I hear the song, my memory takes me back there. I still dont have the answer... But I guess I like it more now because it takes me back there.
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Be Happy

A woman asked her middle-aged friend. You have a body of an 18yr old. There is hardly any line on your face. What's your secret?

Others in the group were expecting the usual tirade of balanced diet, enough sleep, exercise, avoid the sun, yada yada yada. Instead, she answered:

Be happy. Look for happiness. Don't wait for it to come to you. And happiness doesn't only come packaged in a man. Its everywhere and anywhere. You just need to be sensitive to your surroundings and the people in it. Now, even if those don't keep you trim, at least you are happy!!

Decisions...decisions...

Three years on…

A friend spoke of his current predicament of being stuck between a rock and a hard place. It was 3 years since I wrote that piece and now I shared it with him. Maybe it helps, maybe it doesn’t. From recent lessons, I have learned that some people actually find useful the experiences that I share with them. So I have decided to share. His choice is to use or discard.

We are often stuck with the worry of making the wrong decisions. But is there really ever a wrong decision? For that matter, is there really ever a right decision? We make our choices based on information we know or what we think we know. These may be logical, and may also be emotional. What do we know of its consequences when there are so many variables present surrounding each decision?

A reasonable person does not make decisions with intent to hurt others.

A reasonable person does not knowingly make decisions which would make him/her worse off.

A reasonable person would not knowingly make decisions which would put people he cares for in disadvantageous position.

And we all think that we are reasonable people.

But even with the best of intentions, we do hurt others. We do become worse off from time to time. We do put our loved ones in disadvantageous positions. Does that mean we made bad decisions?

At other times, consequences of our decisions are that we give joy to ourselves and others. We help ease another’s burden. We get our loved ones overcome obstacles. Do those mean that we made good decisions?

Not so! They are merely decisions. Period. Their outcomes may be partially within our power to determine. But while we may think that we are more or less in control, there are millions other decisions being made at the same time by others totally (or rather, seemingly) unconnected to us which affect the outcome of ours.

It’s ok to pat ourselves in the back for happy outcomes as it makes us feel good.  But we must stop beating up ourselves for making ‘wrong’ decisions. In the larger scheme of things, we are all powerless anyway.

Goody Two-Shoes

I’m not the complaining type. Honest, I’m not. But the tea lady was late this afternoon. She normally comes around 3pm to deliver afternoon tea to my desk. She came well past 4pm instead. And I needed to leave already. The tea was still too hot to drink even after allowing 10 more minutes, and I didn’t want to burn my tongue. I couldn’t wait anymore so I left the steaming cup of tea on my desk.

All the way home, I felt guilty. And I felt ridiculous too. It’s ridiculous to feel guilty for not finishing my cup of tea. But I couldn’t help it. What is wrong with me? It’s just a cup of tea! But I felt bad for wasting the water, the electricity that heated it, the tea, the sugar and the effort of the sweet lady.

Is this what some people meant when they say I am a nice person? Because I always care for how others feel? But they got it all wrong. I don’t always care for how others feel. I am selfish. I consider myself the most important person in the world, bar none. But people don’t know that. They think I’m just joking when I say that.

Is this also what some people meant when they say that I am righteous? Because I feel guilty for the slightest things?  But they got it all wrong. Of course I feel guilty - because I do the wrong things all the time. But I don’t go around telling the world that I do the wrong things all the time.

The questions that need answering are, am I righteous or self-righteous? Am I a snob or reverse-snob? Or, am I simply a miss goody two-shoes, full of myself?

Gosh, I need a shrink!!

Borrowed Time

My parents passed on around a decade ago, within 4 yrs of each other. It is natural for me to think that old people would be gone, so I never gave much thought over when my parents would leave us. I had also taken it for granted that we love each other enough, or know each other well enough, for them to understand that I love them; that I've done for them what I could be expected to do for them; that all is forgiven; so that I can get on with life without any regrets as far as my relationships with them is concerned.

It is different when it comes to friends. I have made some incredible relationships throughout my life. These relationships had started since anything from my teenage years, college, my three jobs, and others in between.

As friends my age returned home to Allah in the recent years, it got me thinking, how much more time do I have left with those still with me. Will I leave this world without the chance to tell them how grateful I am for their presence in my life? Or will it be the case that I will be regretting not saying things that need to be said when they precede me.

Age is a factor. Some of them have passed their official life expectancies. I have told them my appreciation for sharing with me their friendship. But distance from some of these special persons has prevented me from saying it while looking into their eyes, or to seal it with a hug.

These elderly friends have taught me much on the meaning of respect. I do not mean that I learnt to respect the elderly from them. They taught me how to earn respect and to give respect, and that one earns respects when giving where its due. They showed me respect when I thought I was nobody but a fleck of dust in their world of experience and knowledge. I learned without a doubt that respect has nothing to do with our social position. I learned that we all deserve respect for the simple reason that we are human; that each of us is someone's child, mother, father, sister, brother.

I am still hopeful that I will meet each one of these wonderful people on my list. I am hopeful that Allah will lend us sufficient time and resources we need to fulfil my desire to thank each and every one of them in person, and to tell them how much difference they have made in my life.

Marriage Proposals

How does one handle three marriage proposals in a day.

Accept the first.
It wasnt for me. It was for the lovely young woman who lives in my house. The boy's family came to see the family of the girl's, brought a ring and left it for the girl and her family to consider. Its just a formality. The fact that they were welcomed for the visit was already a tacit acceptance.

Reject the second with no concern of his feelings.
Is there any other way when he is married, with a mixed-bag of children at that? Out of love for his two children, I have maintained a friendly relationship. However, when he keeps making his intention known to all and sundry including his family, his children, my family and my friends (asking them to plead on his behalf), I have no option but to avoid him as much as possible. Where is his brain? Well, his children say that its in his knee-caps, so I guess I'm gonna have to smash his knees to knock some sense into him.

Reject the third delicately.
There is love. There is affection. There is hurt too. A year ago I told him, its now or never. We continued to keep in touch, meeting every couple of months. Some 3~4 months ago, I repeated that call when my heart somewhat softened. Still, nothing happened. So I made other commitments taking into account a life without him. I took up a new job which will last me up to 3 years. I met new people. I started new and rewarding relationships. In a space of a mere 3 months, too many things have changed such that to build a life with him is no longer important. Worse, it no longer feels right. How do I tell this man whom I have loved for many years, without hurting him? No sense in keeping this hanging over us. When he made the proposal late that evening, I told him as it is. He didnt believe me. Two weeks on, he is still in denial. Its as if he hadnt heard me. Next step: Quit him cold turkey.